Election Day
by Andy0001z
Summary: The guys get a spam telling them about an election being held on a local planet, only it is not quite what Rimmer was expecting when they turn up.
1. Election Day

**Hi everyone, a little story I wrote on the train this morning. It might be a little rough and ready but it came to me in light of the UK Elections that are taking place today. So here is the first part, the second will follow once we know the outcome of today. It is a slight play on the classic film Mad Max - Thunderdome. Hope you like, do please review.**

**Election Day**

"Lister where are we going again?" asked Rimmer scanning Starbugs front view screen.

Lister pointed to a distant planet. "There." He said.

"And remind me again why there?" returned Rimmer.

"Well we got this spam message this morning and it looked a laugh." Said Lister.

"What message, why didn't you show me?" Said Rimmer angrily.

"I did man, you just brushed it off saying it was probably another offer for space weevil extermination services." Said Lister.

"Well now I want to know, what was it for." Asked Rimmer.

"OK now that I know, here you go." Said Lister handing over the message printout.

Rimmer scanned the text.

'Come one come all for today is Election Day on planet Hive. We have three candidates just itching for power, so if you're in the sector it's your duty to come and vote. Plus we have the biggest range of brothels in the sector.'

"Election huh, well why didn't you say, men of pedigree, men of power, men who will do anything for a vote. I love a good election." Said Rimmer with a far off look.

Rimmer stopped and thought for a second. "Hang on, it's hardly your sort of thing Lister, why do you want to go. Have you a sudden urge to make your mark in this universe perhaps?"

"Naaaa, take a look at the picture that comes with it. It's on the back." Said Lister pointing.

Rimmer turned the paper over and saw three men all growling at the camera and bare chested, each had an assortment of weapons in hand. "Well, I grant you, they do look rather interesting candidates." Said Rimmer.

* * *

Starbug dropped onto a landing site and Rimmer, Lister, Cat and Kryten left the craft.

"Wow, this place is busy." Said the Cat looking at the huge number of people and gelfs ahead of them.

"I wonder which way to the electron voting booths." Said Rimmer.

"I'll ask sirs." Said Kryten moving over to a Gelf. "Execuse me sir, which way to the election booths?" asked Kryten.

The toothless gelf grinned at him and pointed towards a larger gathering of people.

"Thank you." Said Kryten then turned back to the others. "I think it's over that way sirs, where that large cage dome thingy is maybe."

They made there way through the crowds until finally they stood next to a large metal cage which was empty except for a single tall man holding a large wooden stick with what looked like a sheep's head on it.

Rimmer looked at the cage. "Funny sort of polling station this." He said.

The man in the middle thumbed his stick on the ground calling for quite. When he had silence from the crowd he began to talk in a hushed tone.

"Hush now, and listen to this story. Many years ago wars a happened, man killed man, gelf killed gelf and man and gelf killed each other alike, and it was almost the death of us, but then Hive town was born and the Electron Dome was created. Now listen good for these are the rules. Three men enter, one man leaves. Each wants your vote so shout them good and today we shall have an Election." He shouted the last word and the crowd burst into rapturous cheers.

Rimmer looked at Lister. "This isn't an Election this is a cage fight."

"Yeah I know, should be a goodun too, here comes the candidates and look at the size of that one." Said Lister pointing to the large gelf dressed in Red.

Three entered the cage, each walking around the cage calling to the crowd which then cheered their chosen candidate. One was a huge gelf, dressed in Red with an eye that made you want to stare but not for too long. Another was a large man dressed in blue, almost human looking but with a smirk that said you wouldn't want him to be your best man. The last was a smaller man than the other two and was dressed in yellow, he moved quickly and seemed to be enjoying the lime light.

The man in the middle started up again talking to the three. "You know the rules, three men enter one man leave, so gentlemen, have your manifesto weapons ready and make em good and sharp, for you are now in the ELECTION DOME!"

"My moneys on the little guy, I recon he looks fast." Said the Cat.

"Naa I recon the big guy is going to cream it." Said Lister.

"Well, I rather think the chap in blue looks sensible." Said Kryten.

"Listen you yourselves this is a cage fight, a bloody fists and knifes to the end fight, it's not Thursday night election special." Said Rimmer disgusted.

"Oh come on Rimmer, get with the locals this is the way it's done out here."

The crowd let out a cheer as the klaxon horn sent out the call to start the fight. The three men circled each other, each watching for the other to make the first move. Then at last the blue one launched a flying kick at the smaller one who just about managed to dodge out of its way. The large gelf grinned at this and waited for his moment to strike. It came as the little guy turned his back on him to face the blue off. He jumped on his back and the two went flying into the dust. The crowd went wild.

Rimmer meanwhile had decided this was not for him and had left the cage side. He was making his way back to the ship, why should he cast his vote for something that was so backwards.

Lister turned away from the action and noticed Rimmer was missing. "Smeg, anyone seen Rimmer?"

"I believe he has gone back to Starbug sir." Said Kryten bashing the side of the cage.

"Dam, come on guys we better make sure he's OK?" said Lister pushing his way out from the cage side.

"What, and miss this action, this is the best TV we've seen in months." Said the Cat grinning as the yellow guy had managed to get the large red gelf in a head lock.

"I know, but we better go." Said Lister.

"Mr Lister is right; goodness knows what could happen to him on this planet."

* * *

Back inside Starbug the four sat around the table.

"He goal post head, why did you run off like that?" said the Cat.

"Because it was not an election but rather an excuse for three grown life forms to kill each other and I for one don't want any part of it."

"But if you don't vote you don't get a say Rimmer?" said Lister.

"That's rich coming from Mr crypto fascist himself." Said Rimmer.

"Hey I voted, back on earth." Said Lister jumping to his own defence.

"Let me guess, that year when they decided to give everyone a phone app that allowed you to vote by proxy." Said Rimmer.

"Yeah, it was great, I just got up, switched on the phone and pressed the button, all done." Said Lister grinning.

"But what about the fight?" said the Cat itching to get back out to it.

"I would not worry sir, according to local history these things can take all day to get to a result, and even then they have to count the number of body parts, and sometimes that's so hard to do they have to do a recount." Said Kryten.

"Look man, you can stay here but we're going back to the Dome, you coming?" said Lister getting up from his seat.

Rimmer shrugged but then looked up. "OK I'll come but only because I want to see a fair result."

**To be contined when the result is known……**


	2. Mother

**Back to the action, and now that things have moved on in the real world so does the fictional one. **

The four of them squeezed and there way back through the crowds towards the cage. The Cat led, followed up by Lister, Rimmer and finally Kryten. As they approached the cage the crowd became thicker and they had to squeeze through the mass of bating bodies, until at last only one large Gelf stood in their way.

The Cat sized the large yellow bodied individual up, he was at least a good two foot taller then him and you could of comfortably stood two people on his shoulders one each side.

"Errr excuse me buddy, but can you move, we can't see." Said the Cat to the Gelf.

The Gelf ignored him, so he tried again. "Hey, could you move you oversized butt out of the way please?" asked the cat more forcibly.

This caught the Gelfs attention and he turned to look down at this creature that had made a reference to his size, if there was one thing it really hated it was people commenting on his size. He snarled at the short creature that stood in front of him.

"What you say shorty?"

The Cat who to be fair was not quick on picking up on threats repeated his question. "I said me and my buddies can't see because your huge backside is in the way. Why don't you go to the back and do us all a favour."

The Gelf snarled but seeing no threat from this little creature decided to get back to the fight and simply turned leaving one word hanging in the air. "No."

The Cat having got nowhere decided that diplomacy was getting him nowhere fast, so he tried a new approach. He disappeared into the crowed and a short time later returned with two hefty looking officials. As they approached the large Gelf, the Cat pointed and said. "That's the guy fella's, he was the one giving the candidate the wink."

The two large official types swung into action and 30 seconds later the large Gelf was in tears and being led away through the crowd.

"I had to do it, they said they would take away my little puppy if I didn't." he sobbed.

Lister looked at the Cat, unsure of what had just gone on. "How did you know he was giving one of them the wink?" he asked.

"I didn't but I figured if this election thingy was that important they wouldn't want a big lug messing it up."

Lister and Rimmer exchanged looks; sometimes the Cat really surprised them.

The four squeezed into the gap left; however it was now larger somewhat as several onlookers gave Cat a wide berth.

"Right what's happening, why are they all laying on the floor?" Asked the Cat.

Inside the cage, the three contestants were stretched out on their backs. Several wounds could be seen but none looked serious.

"Kryten, what you reckon?" asked Lister.

"Best guess, they have exhausted themselves sir." Replied Kryten eyeing the scene.

"What you mean it's over?" asked the Cat.

"I am afraid it looks that way only now there is a bigger problem." Said Kryten.

"What, the undertakers got a coffin and no body to fill it?" quipped the Cat.

"Not quite, but in a roundabout way your analogy fits sir. With all three still alive there will be no clear winner." Said Kryten.

Rimmers face brightened. "Arrhh I've heard about this, this is when there is a hung parliament, no clear winner so two have to join forces to overcome the other." He said.

"Indeed sir, but I fear on this planet that could mean anything." Said Kryten.

Lister pointed to the door of the Cage. "Look something's happening." He said watching as the tall man with the staff entered once more.

The man walks to the middle of the cage, eyeing the three still motionless on their backs. Finally he stops and hammers his staff onto the ground.

"They new the rules, they came to fight, but we have a stale mate and that ain't right. Now a higher order will have to decide their fate, look now for here she comes, the maker of this town and the rules to which we succumb."

The man points his staff to the top of the cage and a small window flips open and a short figure dressed in black appears. It halts briefly at the entrance and then glides to the floor below its black cloak flowing as it descends.

"Who's that?" asked Rimmer.

"I don't know but I like her style." Replies the Cat.

"Must be some kind of head honcho around here." Guessed Lister.

The figure waits for the crowd to be silent once more then slowly pulls back it's hood to reveal the person within.

"Smegging hell Rimmer isn't that your mum?" asked Lister pointing at the short women bearing a very striking likeness to Rimmers mother.

Rimmer stared open mouthed at the image in front of him. One word quietly slipped from his lips. "mother?"

**Next time: Can Mother sort out the Election mess.**


	3. Power hungry

**Hi, well as you might now have gathered the sorry has moved away from the real world elections to a more familiar fiction RD one. So enjoy this new arc and hopefully I have done Rimmers mum justice.**

Rimmer stood transfixed by the image before them, his mind raced. '_How could this be possible, how was his mother standing there before them, and what the smeg was she doing on this world, three million years in the future.'_ He didn't have the answers and so he and the others waited and watched as she spoke to the crowd.

"So, it seems we have a problem, they knew my laws and they have failed to deliver a fair fight that ends in one. So what shall do with them?" she asked the crowd.

"Kill them!" it roared back at her.

She listened for a second and then shouted back at the crowed. "NO, that is not the law."

But the crowed wanted blood and began to chant. "Three men enter one man leave…. Three men enter one man leave…."

Lister turned to the others. "Smeg, she's gone and done it now, this lot aren't happy."

Rimmers mother glared at the crowed and then waved her hands for silence. "Do you think I don't know the law, I am the law, was it not me who created this place, who brought you back from the brink of destruction. So listen to me, we will let the wheel of fate decide for them."

At the mention of this, a cart is wheeled into the cage with what looked like a wheel with several painted options upon it.

"What the smeg is she doing?" asked Rimmer.

"I don't know Rimmer, she's your mother." Said Lister.

"I think she is going to let that device choose the fate of these men." Said Kryten.

By now the three candidates had recovered enough to realise the situation had changed and each of their fates was in the hands of a spin.

Rimmer's mother pointed to the first man and called him over to spin the device. He approached slowly.

Cat strained his neck to see what was written on the wheel. "What's it say, what's it say?" he asked.

Kryten zoomed in and read out the options. "Well sir it seems that there are four options, the largest of which is death, followed by exile, followed by de-tongued."

Lister butted in. "Oh now that's going to far, de-tonguing a politician is just cruel." He said.

Kryten read the last choice, the smallest of all. "House of Lords"

The big Gelf span the wheel and it began its journey round and round, the crowd waited as the wheel slowed. It finally came to rest on exile. The big Gelf looked relieved and was ushered out from the cage.

Next the man in blue span the wheel, again it turned round and round, until finally it stopped.

The crowed cheered as they realised it was a de-tonguing. The man fell to his knees, crumpled by the news and before the guard reached him he pulled out a dagger and thrust it into his own chest.

"Poor beggar, he just couldn't hack not being able to talk nonsense ever again." Said Lister.

The last man stepped forward his face grim from what he had seen go before. He gripped the wheels handle and pulled. It began the final spin of the afternoon and the crowed watched as it slowed. The candidate watched as it slowed and finally stopped on the smallest option of the four, 'The house of Lords'.

"Oh thank goodness for that, I was beginning to think this election process was just one big barbaric process." Said Rimmer

The crowd having seen its fun was over began to thin only Rimmer stood still looking at the figure in the centre of the cage.

She began to leave but something made her change her mind and look in Rimmers direction. For a second her eyes met his, there was no notable recollection in her expression, and she turned and left the cage.

"Did you see that, she didn't even blink at seeing you sir?" said Kryten.

"What did you expect, if that is my mother she probably expected me dead a long time ago, and even if I wasn't she never cared for me enough to show any emotion towards me." Said a downbeat Rimmer, who had secretly hoped she would have been pleased to see him.

"Come on man, we've got to try and meet her." Said Lister.

"Are you crazy, one she's the master of this crazy world and two she would probably stick me in that cage and spin that wheel herself." Said Rimmer.

"Oh come now sir, I am sure she will find her motherly instincts kick right in and want to give you a nice big hug." Said Kryten.

"More like a great big knife in the back!" snorted Rimmer.

"Look, your with us now, let's go and find out." Said Lister.

"OK, but I'm telling you if she starts talking about my doll collection, I'm out of here." Said Rimmer.

The others looked at him as if what he had just said explained a lot.

"Not that kind, military dolls." Prompted Rimmer.

"Yeah right, whatever." Said Lister leading the group the way Rimmer's mum had departed.

The group found themselves outside a large wooden hut, two large Gelf guards stood at the entrance.

"Excuse me lads, can we see the lady of the house?" said Lister as politely as he could.

The pair shook there heads. "No see lady, she busy."

"This is important." Pressed Lister.

The pair snarled at him. "OK OK, I get the message." Said Lister backing away slightly.

"It's no good she's busy, we tried, let's go." Said Rimmer brightly.

"Come on Rimmer, this is your mother we are talking about, don't you want to see her." Said Lister.

"Lister frankly no." replied Rimmer.

The group was just about to leave when the door opened and a voice called out.

"Arnold Judas Rimmer, get in here now!"

Rimmer gulped at hearing his mothers commanding tone and walked into the hut, with the others in tow.

* * *

In the middle of the room a fire roared and sitting with her back to the group was the lady in black.

Rimmer stepped forward and spoke quietly. "Mother?"

The women, dropped the hood once again and turned to face them. "Well, Well if it isn't the runt of the litter, Arnold." She said almost spitting the words from her mouth.

"Mother, how did you end up here?" asked Rimmer ignoring her tone.

"No thanks to you and your bothers, that's how, but that's a long story." She said.

"But, that was over 3 million years ago." Said Rimmer.

"What of it, you found a way to continue, Hologram I see." She said tapping her forehead.

"Yes, there was a ship wide accident, I died mother." Said Rimmer simply.

"Oh and I bet it was your fault." She said sneering at him.

Rimmer froze, her words biting into him like a cold wind. How did she know, she always knew.

Lister stepped forward. "Hi, err, he's with us, how did you manage to survive for so long?" asked Lister.

She turned almost noticing him for the first time, her features creased into a smile. "Genetics, extended my life over and over. Unlike his useless father, I was going to ensure a future for me, do you know how many years I gave up for him and his brothers, I wanted more, and so I had them modify me, but I can assure you I am still all women." She finished grinning at Lister.

Even through this was the first female flirt he had experienced in some time Lister shuddered under the glare of her gaze. "Yeah I'm sure."

Rimmer glared at Lister.

"Oh come now Arnold your mother has needs, it's been along time since we had another human visitor to these parts." She said grinning.

"Look we're not stopping we only came to see the Election and now that's finished we will be going." Rimmer turned and made for the door.

Rimmers mum shot a remark across Rimmers path that stopped him dead. "Same old Arnold, always running away, always never wanting to go that next step. Isn't that what that girl you made friends with said. She wanted to share something special but you just ran away, like you normally do."

Rimmer span around to face her, anger in his eyes. "You leave her out of it, it was you not me that drove her away." He snapped.

"Really, that is not what she told me deary." She continued in mocking tones.

Rimmer took a deep breath and turned to Lister. "See this is why I didn't want to come, this is my mother, all snide and nothing ever good to say about me."

Lister just shrugged.

"That's not true Arnold, I am pleased to see you, in fact I have need of your help." She said in softer tones.

Rimmer turned to face her once more. '_Mother wanting my help was he hearing her right.'_ He thought.

"Come warm yourselves by my fire and I will tell you my plan." She cooed.

Rimmer relented and trudged over to one of the chairs like a small school boy who had just realised he had no other choice, the others quickly followed.

"So what do you want Mother?" asked Rimmer.

She smiled at him. "My dear boy, what I have always wanted for you, I want you to have power."

"Err what kind of power, are we talking Duracell or crazy I rule the world kinda power?" asked the Cat.

She ignored the Cats comment and continued her focus fully on Rimmer.

"This world is dieing Arnold, it's dieing because it needs a leader. Oh I have been able to hold it together with these elections but even they are no longer working. What is needed is a leader." She said looking at Rimmer.

Lister sniggered. "You do remember your son don't you?"

She shot him a look. "Of course I do, this snivelling excuse of a man could no more lead a conga party dance than rule this planet, but with me behind him it might work."

"Mother your mad, you've tuned into flipped FM and got off the bus at insanity road. " Said Rimmer.

Rimmer turned to the others. "Err chaps, I think we better be you know." He said motioning towards the door.

"Yeah I think we need to get back, don't want to miss tonight's episode of Tales from the Riverbank." Said Lister.

"Oh yes, and I've got a pile of laundry that just can't wait." Chipped in Kryten.

Only the Cat did not understand the signal was still looking into the flames of the fire. Only when Lister kicked him did he realise something was up. "What? Oh right yeah I got some serious beauty sleep needed lady."

They each had got up while Mrs Rimmer remained seated. As they moved to leave she spoke.

"You are all free to leave this world, but my son stays!"

Rimmer turned to protest and saw that look, his mothers look, but he had grown, he was not that little boy anymore, he set his jaw and spoke. "Listen mother, I am sure whatever your plans are, they are very nice, but I have another life now and so I am not staying."

A flare of shock registered in her eyes, had her son found some spine after all. '_Regardless, he will stay'_ she thought. She got up and called for the guards. "GUARDS!"

The two bulky figures from outside squeezed in and awaited instructions.

"Take my son here to the guest quarters but make sure he does not leave." She ordered.

The two nodded and made a move towards Rimmer. Lister gulped and stepped into the path of the oncoming two. "Where he goes I go." He said.

The guards looked to Rimmers mother for guidance. She nodded consent and they ushered the four out of the hut and towards the guest quarters.

"Lister I hope you have a plan." Asked Rimmer.

Lister looked slightly worried. "Sorry man, no plan, but I'm sure something will turn up."

**More very soon.....**


	4. Freedom

**Lister and the others are guests of Rimmers mother, only guest it seems is a bit of a loose word. Enjoy and please review.**

Lister sat on top of a pile of silk pillows, while he drank what he hoped was a sort of beer. "Well, I don't know about you guys but this is the comfiest prison cell we've ever stayed in." He said chirpily.

"Prison, I thought she said this was the guest quarters." Questioned the Cat.

"Oh Yeah, and those two large guards at the door just outside are going to just let us walk on out are they?" replied Lister, gesturing to the door.

Rimmer stopped pacing. "She's flipped, I always thought it was father that was power crazy but now I see it was her, it all makes sense. The Risk club, the endless management classes and her always pushing, driving us on."

"Look man, I'm sure once she thinks it through she will come to her senses." Said Lister downing another cup of the beer.

"You don't know mother, once she sets an idea in place, there is no shifting her." Said Rimmer looking worried.

"May I suggest we put our heads together and work out a plan." Said Kryten.

"Well I say we stay here for now, enjoy the beer and see what Mrs Crazy Lips has got in store for her golden boy." Jested Lister.

"No way Lister, we find a way to escape and we leave her to this crazy world." Said Rimmer without any tone of regret at what he was suggesting.

"Sir, she is your mother, are you seriously suggesting we leave her with these rouges and low life's." Said Kryten sounding concerned.

Rimmer nodded. "Look, I don't expect any of you to understand, but this is my mother we are talking about, I left that part of my life behind a very long time ago. So can we please start thinking of a way to get out of here?"

20 minutes later and Lister is standing on Krytens shoulders while trying to open the small roof hatch with Krytens right forearm. "Nearly got it, just a little bit to the left Kryten. There got it."

The window pops open and Lister drops back to the floor.

"Oh great, so we're still stuck in here, only now we are going to be a lot colder." Remarked Rimmer.

"Hang on man, Cat do you think you can get through that window?" asked Lister.

The Cat eyed up the small gap and nodded. "Yeah, just stand back and watch the master of squeeze."

The others watched as he took a running jump, bounced and sprang high up to the window. He then squeezed through it and disappeared from view. 20 seconds later his face reappeared looking confused. "Err guys what now?" he asked.

"Go distract the guards somehow!" shouted Lister in a hushed tone.

"Oh right." Said the Cat disappearing once more then quickly returning into view. "How?" he said.

Lister frustrated at the Cat's inability to repeat the initiative he had taken earlier, called up to him. "I don't know, throw him a stick or something, just do it."

2 minutes later a large Gelf guard opened the door to the guest hut. He thrust his head inside and failed to notice the larger than normal pile of pillows and the pair of mechanoid legs sticking out from them.

"Gone, go tell lady!" he shouted back to the other guard, he then closed the door and turned his attention to the creature sitting on the roof blowing raspberries at him. He considered just using his harpoon gun but had received orders not to kill the guests and his aim was not what it used to be. He decided he would have to climb up there and get him.

As he reached the roof top the creature stood up, grinned and jumped off the rear of the roof and out of view. The Gelf growled and moved after him, only the roof was not made to hold large Gelf guards and with a sudden realisation of this fact it gave way and he crashed through the roof and onto the now empty pile of pillows. This wasn't a good start to his day.

* * *

Lister and the others had snuck out of the hut and joined the grinning Cat at the rear. "OK, let's get back to Starbug quick!" he said.

"I'll second that one." Said the Cat.

The four made their way through the camp trying to avoid looking like four escapees, while going as fast as they could.

They made good progress and soon had Starbugs green outline was in sight. "Right let's fire up the retros and get out of this place." Said Rimmer.

"Are you sure man?" asked Lister.

"Lister, I have never been so sure in all my life, let's go." Said Rimmer firmly.

Lister jumped into the flight seat and hit the start buttons, nothing happened. He tried again, still nothing happened. "It's dead. Kryten have you got anything?" asked Lister.

"Nothing sir, it seems that we have lost all ship start up access." Replied Kryten punching a few more buttons and getting nothing.

"It's her." Said Rimmer simply.

"What?" asked the Cat.

"My mother, it's her doing this." Said Rimmer.

"Naw can't be man, the bug was locked, only me and Kryten have a key." Said Lister.

"Yes indeed sir, and I have mine right here." Said Kryten holding up the small access key.

Lister patted his pocket and did a double take. "Err mines missing guys."

"See I told you, it's her." Said Rimmer and as if on queue the vid screen burst into life.

"You naughty naughty boy Arnold, did you really think I would let you leave." Said the image of Rimmers mum.

"Mother, what have you done?" asked Rimmer.

"I have locked you all out of the flight start up sequence, only I have the access code." She replied.

Rimmer slumped into his chair, there was no escape, his mother would always win. '_She always won.' _He thought.

**Next time: OK, I know there are a lot of Ace Rimmer fans out there (Inc me) and so all I am saying is stay tuned.**


	5. Spliced

**Ladies and Gents, Gelfs and Two headed life forms, it is time once again to introduce your friend and mine.... Mr Ace Rimmer.... or is it!**

_Prison Cell - Planet Hive_

The four of them looked around at the grey dull walls of the prison.

Kryten looked around the small cell and decided to engage chirpy mode. "Oh now this is more like what we are used to." said Kryten attempting to plump up a very lifeless grey cushion.

"Not now Kryters." Said Lister.

The Cat looked distressed. "I can't stay here much longer, what about my mid afternoon shower, I can't miss my scrub and buff." Stated the Cat.

"Well guys I guess we will have to wait and see what Arnolds mother has in store for him." Said Lister adopting her use of his first name.

"Well whatever it is, I won't do it." Said Rimmer.

"You might have to man, she's clearly one piece short of a jigsaw puzzle." Said Lister.

"Well that may be true, but I have standards." Said Rimmer looking aloof

"What, like cheating, snitching and generally trying to get out of everything anybody wants you to do?" said Lister.

Rimmer ignored him.

"OK, look let's get comfy and settle in for the night, maybe tomorrow will be better." Said Lister sitting down in a corner and trying to make the hard brick look more comfortable that it really was.

* * *

Next morning the Cat is looking out of the small cell window and can see the Election cage being cleaned. "Hey guys I think there getting ready for another Election thingy."

"What?" asked Rimmer.

Lister climbed up next to the Cat. "Oh my god, I think he's right. I guess Mummy has gone for plan B."

"What the hell does that mean?" Said Rimmer panicking.

Kryten put his fingers together as if about to preach. "Well best guess, I'd say she plans on using you in the next election and somehow she plans on making sure you win."

Rimmer looks worried. "What!"

Kryten continued with his theory. "Well, assuming she wants it to look good, she will have to let you get roughed up a bit first before allowing you to win."

This did not make Rimmer look any less worried, so Kryten quickly continued. "But rest assured I am 95% certain your mother will keep you alive." Said Kryten smiling.

"Roughed up, no ones going to rough me up, I'm allergic to being roughed up." Said Rimmer nervously.

Lister jumped down from the view. "Look I'm sure it won't come to that, just tell her you will go with her plan and me and the boys here will find some way of getting you out of this mess before you break out in a allergic roughed-up rash." Said Lister.

Kryten looked concerned. "We will sir?" he asked.

"Yeah we will." Pressed Lister winking at Kryten.

"I don't like it, how about I just hide." Said Rimmer looking for some hidden place that he could hide from mother."

"Come on man, this is the only way." Pressed Lister.

"OK, I'll do it, but Listy you had better come good." Said Rimmer.

The door opened and Rimmers Mother walked in. "Arnold, I am afraid things have changed, the people want a fair vote and so I have entered you into the Election."

Rimmer gulped. "Mother, I will do whatever you ask, just don't send me into that thing." Rimmer paused thinking of an excuse. "Look I can't for one I haven't written up my manifesto yet." He pleaded.

"I am sorry Arnold there is nothing I can do, but rest assured you will be victorious." She said smiling.

He saw the twinkle in her eye, like the time she knew his father was cheating on her and she was thinking of the revenge she had planned for him when he got home. "How can you be so sure?" he asked.

"Let's just say I have something special that will help get you through this, now follow me." She commanded and turned to leave.

"I won't." said Rimmer not fully realising what he had just said.

"My dear boy, you have no choice, you come with me or your friends here will rot in this cell." She said still smiling.

Rimmer looked from her to them. Lister smiled at him. "It's OK man, this place aint so bad." Said Lister

Rimmer acknowledged Listers effort with a nod then he slowly walked towards the exit.

"Rimmer man, you don't have to do this man, there must be another way." Said Lister.

"Indeed sir, this is fool hardy, you can not hope to win out there." Said Kryten.

"Yeah I agree with both these fellas, but if you want to sacrifice your arse for mine, go right ahead." Said the Cat.

Rimmer stopped and looked over his shoulder. "It's OK guys, mother will take care of me." He said continuing out of the door.

* * *

Rimmer sat strapped to a chair in a darkened room. A light shone down into his face making the rest of the room nothing but darkness. He heard foot steps, female, he guessed his mothers. "Mother?" he called out.

"Yes Arnold I am here, and now it's time." She said.

He gripped the edge of the chair tightly; unsure of what exactly his mother had planned he jus hoped she was not crazy enough to endanger his hologram software.

"What are you going to do?" he asked nervously.

"A little software upload, nothing to worry about." She said.

Software, he didn't like the sound of that much. "Wait!" he called out urgently.

"What is it now?" her voice taking on the dangerous note of anger.

"Tell Lister he can have my telegraph pole collection of 3D pop up poles." Said Rimmer.

"I'm starting the upload now Arnold, this won't hurt much." She said.

A pain shot into the back of his hologramatic skull, making it feel like his head was about to explode, he gritted his teeth for as long as he could, not wanting his mother to see his weak side, but finally it was too much and he screamed.

"There, there my son, it will be over soon." His mother cooed.

Darkness gripped Rimmers mind and he passed out.

* * *

"Arnold, Aronld." Called a distant voice. As he slowly began to wake, old memories sparked into life. He found himself hanging upside down again in his garden on Io. On a bench nearby sat his mother she was reading something.

"Arnold Rimmer, do you know what this is?" she said pointing to the white slip of paper.

"No mother." Replied the young voice of Rimmer junior.

"It's a letter from your head master; this letter could hold the key to your future." She said opening it.

"Oh." Said the young Rimmer.

The clouds of darkness began to lift and he heard his mothers voice more clearly now. "Arnold, Arnold, wake up." She said.

In groggy state he called out. "Yes mother, I'm coming just let me escape from this straight jacket Frank has put me in mother."

A sharp pain struck the side of his face and he forced his eyes open. There she was, his mother. Only he was not in a straight jacket but still strapped to the table.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

Rimmer thought about it, he felt not too bad actually, in fact he felt pretty smegging good. He turned his head to face her and noticed the golden lock of hair flop over his brow. '_Oh no, what had she done.'_ He thought.

"Well, actually I feel pretty dam fantastic, apart from the sudden craving for smoked kippers." He said in a voice far too deep for his own, he knew that voice, but how was that possible.

"Mother what have you done?" he continued in the same deep and confident tone.

"A trader found a light bee in a market off world; the seller said it was a Human Hologram of great prowess and strength, a hero if you like. I brought it from him and have been unsuccessful in re-activating it, but you Arnold have brought him back to life. I spliced some of him into you." She said in a matter of factually way.

"But you've turned me into him, why him?" said Rimmer.

"You know this man?" she asked sounding puzzled.

"Yes, it's smegging Ace Rimmer, space adventurer and all round Mr smug git." Replied Rimmer.

"I don't know that family name, another Rimmer, how interesting, but how?" she asked quizzing him.

"He's me only me from another dimension, look it's a long story sweet lips." Rimmer stopped catching himself at his last few words. Had he just called his mother sweet lips? Oh my, she had spliced his persona into him as well.

"My my, he sounds like a very different you." She said moving to release the straps but finding that he had already managed to unbuckle himself. '_Impressive'_ she thought.

Rimmer sat up and swung his legs over the bed. "I need a mirror?" he said.

She pointed to the wall on the far side of the room. Rimmer moved in front of it and stared. Looking back at him was the image of Ace Rimmer, somehow the program must have changed his appearance, and that included the silly floppy hair. Then Rimmer froze as he heard a voice in his own head, that was not his own.

'_Come on Arn, it's up to us now, our Mother needs us old friend._' Said the Ace Rimmer now in his head.

Rimmer shook his head, this wasn't happening, trapped on a world with his mother and now Ace Rimmer in his head, how bad was this day going to get.

"Arnold, the election is tomorrow. I had to make it so soon as I am not sure how long the graft from this other hologram will hold in place." Said Rimmers Mother.

"You mean it's not permanent?" asked Rimmer sounding hopeful.

"No, your own Hologram program will begin to reject it and eventually erase it altogether." Replied his mother.

Rimmer sighed with relief; at least this was some good news.

"Of course, there is a risk that your hologram matrix will corrupt and both you and Ace will burn out." She continued.

"What does that mean?" he asked somewhat panicked.

'_It means we die.'_ Said the Ace in his head.

"Shut up!" shouted Rimmer out loud.

His mother glared at him making him feel he had to say something. "Not you mother, it's him he's in my head." Said Rimmer apologetically.

She gave him one of her special I hate you Arnold looks. "Well at least it looks to have worked, but we shall see." She said turning away. As she walked to the door Rimmer made a request.

"Mother, can I see my ship mates?"

She stopped, pausing while in thought then threw up her hand. "As you like Arnold, as you like." With that she walked out and left him alone.

* * *

Lister bounced the ball against the cell wall. "He's been gone ages. Do you think he's ok?"

The Cat who was trying to sleep in the corner without touching the floor opened one eye. "Man who cares, I just hope they bring us some food soon, even that pillow is looking tasty right now."

Kryten who was looking through the small grill suddenly grinned. Lister noticed it.

"Hey what's up with you Mr happy?" asked Lister.

"It is Mr Rimmer sir, or rather a version of him." He said sounding excited.

"What?" said Lister getting to his feet and looking through the grill.

"Smeg, is that who I think it is?" he said.

Rimmer strode towards the prison with all the confidence of a flight commander, moments later he was at the cell door.

"Aright Chaps, this is a bit of a pickle isn't it?" he said in his Ace tones.

"Ace!" cried the Cat.

"Yeah, is that you Ace?" asked Lister

"Sorry to disappoint you chaps but it's still old iron balls here, just with that.." Rimmers struggled to control his voice and his old nasal tone kicked back in. "Ace Smegging Rimmer hologram program grafted onto mine." Finished Rimmer.

"Sir, what has she done to you? Why it's like taking a Mini Metro, spraying it black and painting strips on the side. No matter how you dress it up it still sucks under the bonnet." Said Kryten.

"Errr thanks for that splendid example Kryten, but I do seem to have more than the look of Ace Rimmer thank you very much." Said Rimmer back in Aces voice.

"Well do you think you could get us out of here, and start the bug err Ace?" asked Lister.

"Afraid I can't do that, Mother still has the start up code locked out. She wants me to stand in the election tomorrow and by the looks of it there is no other choice." Said Rimmer still back in Aces tone.

"But sir that is suicide you saw how this place works, it's full of sneaky, twisted and backstabbing cheats." Kryten paused then continued. "Oh wait, you should fit in rather well sir." He finished.

"Are you really going to do it man?" asked Lister.

"Got to, still have a basic drive to impress mother, and this might be a chance to do that. Mind if I join you Chaps" Said Rimmer.

"It's locked?" said Lister.

Rimmer picked up a nearby bit of wire, twiddled it in the lock and stood back as it swung open. He then walked inside and closed it shut which resulted in a clunk as the lock fell back into place.

"Hey what you do that for?" asked the Cat.

"Sorry Cat, it's safer in here than out there." Said Rimmer.

Kryten nodded. "He's right sir, we should wait it out here."

* * *

Morning came, none of them accept the Cat slept very well. Rimmer paced the cell back and fourth, until a large Gelf guard came over and banged on the cell. He pointed at Rimmer and grunted.

"Well chaps this looks like me." Said Rimmer facing the others.

"Good luck sir." Said Kryten almost in teary eye mode.

"Bye Lister, err smoke me a kipper, or whatever." Said Rimmer realising how stupid that sounding from him.

Rimmer made to go, but Lister moved into his path. "Listen, you take care man." He said slapping Rimmer on both shoulders.

Rimmer flicked his hair over Ace style and said. "Will do Davy boy, will do."

The three of them watched as Rimmer strolled out of the cell and was greeted by his mother.

"Do you think he's going to be OK sir?" asked Kryten.

"Let's just hope that the Ace part of him now can help, becuase he's going to need it." Said Lister sitting back down in the corner.

**I know the dream scene with little Rimmer might not be word for word as the original script but it is a memory and sometimes things are not as you remember them exactly.**

**All reviews welcome.**

**NEXT TIME: Rimmer must face the other candiate in the Cage....**

**Snap shot : **

Rimmer lay on the floor, blood flowing from his nose. His mother glared on from the top viewing platform, he could see her disappointment in her eyes. The voice in his head spoke again. '_Listen, you have to let me take over, he's going to kill you, this is what I do.' The Ace inside Rimmer_ screamed at him.

Rimmer watched as the beast of a Gelf truddged around the ring lapping up the applause. There was no way he alone could hope to beat him, he uttered two words, two words that would change everything. "Help me!"


	6. Caged

**Hi, this was tricky to write, and if I am honest I am not 100% happy with the result. However, the story must go on and so here it is. **

**PS: The online spell checkers down so for now its raw and ready...**

Rimmer followed his mother down the dark and dank corridor. A short distance later his mother led him into the half lit room. She pointed to the silver suite lying across the back of a chair. "Put it on." She said, moving to the other side of the room and sitting herself down. She watched him as he poked the candidate uniform.

"Why silver and not one of the other colours mother?" he asked.

"Why not, I thought we would go independent, and I always thought my boys looked good in silver."

Rimmer hesitated.

"Come on Arnold we haven't got all day." Pressed his mother.

"Are you going to stay and watch?" asked Rimmer.

"Look nothing I've not seen before Arnold, and I don't want you doing anything silly, now do I?" she said crossing her legs.

Rimmer turned so his back was to her and stripped off his clothes. These days he had taken to wearing real clothes while in Hardlight. It made him feel that little bit more human.

He slipped the silver suite on and did up the zip that ran the entire length of his torso.

"Turn round then Arnold, let's have a look at you." Said his mother in a voice of one addressing a school child trying on that new school uniform.

Rimmer turned to face her, he kind of felt uncomfortable in it and squirmed like a fish on the end of a line. He mused that the clothes themselves very flexible, he guessed designed that way for combat.

"Now don't you look the part." Said his mother clasping her hands together.

Rimmer shuffled on the spot. "I prefer my normal clothes mother." He protested.

"Well this is the law, and remember my dear, I am the law." Said his mother, a grin spreading across her face.

She stood up and walked to the far door. "Enough of this, we must go, it is nearly time for you to make me proud Arnold."

He gulped and followed her out of the room and into the light. The sun was high in the sky and he could see people flocking from all directions towards the cage. His mother moved quickly and soon they came to the door of the cage. She stopped and looked at him, pausing as if what she was about to say needed some dramatic pause or great thought.

"Arnold, this very well may be the most important thing you ever do for me my boy, don't screw it up like everything you do." She said the last words burning into his soul.

He wanted to say something, but the words failed him and before he what was happening the door behind him opened and he heard the tall thin man announce his name. He looked at his mothers face, it was ever cold anc devoid of any love for him. "Goodbye Mother." He said.

His mother turned him round to face the door she whispered in his ear. "Now go in there and rip his bleeding tentacles off son!"

He walked forward into the cage to an collective chorus of boos and hisses of the crowd. It appeared he was up against someone who was more popular than him. Who was he kidding everyone was more popular than him. His opponent had yet to enter the arena and Rimmer glanced left and right nervously awaiting his sparing partner.

The tall man began to call the crowd to a hush.

"Ladies and Gents, people of this fine town, you wanted it and now you're going to get it. Let me introduce your man and mine, it's Mr Slash."

Rimmer watched as the far iron gate was pulled back and a huge Gelf stooped under it to enter the ring. Rimmer moved over to the tall man. "Err he's called Slash is he, why's that then?" asked Rimmer.

The man simply pulled his thumb across his throat as if this was a sufficient answer.

"Oh I see, OK thanks for clearing that little matter up." Said Rimmer taking a step backwards.

The compare went through his opening speech and once he had finished the crowd was even more whipped up into a lust for death.

Rimmer searched the roof for his mother having seen her decent from there at the last election. He spotted her sitting on a chair looking down at the arena. It appeared she had decided to allow Lister and the others to watch his Election battle. He could see Lister, Cat and Kryten chained next to her. Lister saw Rimmer looking and gave him the thumps up.

Rimmer didn't smile back, he was feeling as if all his nightmares had come true at once. He wanted to run and hide, to flee this place and escape, every inch of his being wanted to _RUN!_ But there was no escape, no way out.

Rimmer stopped searching and stopped, he did this because of the voice in his head the other Ace was talking to him.

'_Arn, you have to pull yourself together man, this is important. Size your man up, look for his weakness.'_ Said Ace.

"What, size his what up, this is hardly the time." Said Rimmer glancing across at his opponent who was cracking his knuckles rather loudly.

'_Look arn, you have to trust me and do what I say.' _Pressed Ace.

Rimmer snapped back at the voice in his head. "Look Mr Action Man pants I'm not equipped for this kind of thing." Said Rimmer

'_Of course you are, you just need to look deeper inside.' _Said Ace.

Rimmer nodded. "OK, what do you want me to do?"

'_When he comes for you, I want you do aim low, kick him hard and then run. Can you do that?' _said Ace.

Rimmer nodded again. "Aim low, kick hard, and run, got it."

The compare left the cage that left just Rimmer and his opponent alone, Rimmer smiled nervously at the big fella, it didn't smile back.

Above the man and Gelf the horn sounded to start the Election.

"Oh my, I'm going to die!" Said Rimmer shacking with fear.

'_You can't die, your already dead!'_ said Ace from within his head.

"But I can hurt!" said Rimmer his voice taking on a very shaky tone.

The large Gelf charged across the ring at Rimmer. Rimmer braced himself and waited.

"GGgggggggggrrrrrrr" cried the Gelf at Rimmer

Rimmer waited, and as the Gelf came into range Ace shouted at him. '_NOW!_' Rimmer aimed low and kicked. His foot flew through the air, but instead of coming into contact with the Large Gelf it completely missed, the next thing Rimmer knew was the large Gelf towering over him and a fist that could have been used as a bowling ball came flying his way and hit Rimmer square in the face. Rimmers feet left contact with the soil and he arced through the air and onto his back. The air from his hard light lungs was knocked out of him, while his nose a ball of pain.

Rimmer lay there in pain, when he heard Ace again.

'_Arn, you have to let me take over.' _Said Ace.

"No, I can't do this, you can't do this." Said Rimmer squirming backwards over the dirt.

'_Just let me take control._' Said Ace.

"It's my body, I don't I want it back you know." said Rimmer watching the Gelf walk around the ring to a collective of cheers.

'_Close you eyes and thing of me; think of me like you have never thought of anything else.' _Said Ace.

"Urrhh do I have too?" said Rimmer in disgust.

'_Not like that big man, come on you can do it._' Said Ace

Rimmer closed his eyes and thought. "It's not working!" cried Rimmer.

'_Keep trying man!' _said Ace.

Rimmer tried, but the noise and the fear just got in the way. Rimmer still with his eyes firmly shut failed to notice that the Gelf who had gotten bored of his little jog around the cage and had decided to hit him again.

Rimmer crumpled into a heap on the floor. The Gelf turned his back on him once more and cheered at the crowd.

Rimmers mother looked on, there was not a trace of fear for her son in her eyes, only hate and despise. She turned to Lister. "See that is why I despise the sperm that made him, he's useless." Her last words spat out like venom.

Lister looked down on Rimmer, he looked to be in big trouble, why had he not done something to help him. As he watched he noticed Rimmers left foot move, then his right. "Oh thank smeg for that he's not dead." Said Lister

The silver dressed hologram got back onto his feet and dusted himself off.

"Now that was not a very thing to do to a chap now was it?" said the Hologram once again in the more confident tones of Ace Rimmer.

The large Gelf seemed surprised by his opponent's sudden recovery and growled at him.

"You, die now!" it said and charged towards him like an elephant on heat.

Ace stood feet planted firmly on the soil, he instinctively reached behind his back for his favourite pair of guns but of course found nothing. '_Dam, have to do this the old fashion way.' _He thought.

He waited for the right moment, that point in time when his attacker was at his weakest. The Gelf entered his target zone and he sprang forward and up. In one swift movement he had jumped up onto the Gelfs shoulders and now had his legs wrapped around the Gelfs thick neck. His target carried on charging with Ace sat on top holding on for dear life.

Lister whooped for Rimmer "Yeah brutal, ride him cowboy!" he shouted.

Soon Aces grip started to take affect and the Gelf began to slow his pace and gave up trying to pull Rimmer from his shoulders. He sunk to his knees, his hands clawing at Rimmers legs about his throat. He face began to turn white and he looked worried. A moment later he fell forward at which point Ace sprang from him and landed neatly on the ground.

Lister and the others were on there feet cheering. "Yeah GO RIMMER, GO RIMMER!" they cried.

Ace watched the Gelf, he knew from his combat training that now was not the time for celebration. He knew that until his opponent was out of action completely he and this body were not safe.

It did not take long before the huge frame of the Gelf began to move.

"Smeg I thought he had the smegger." Said Lister surprised.

The Gelf shook his head and pulled himself back to a sitting position. Ace reacted with a swift kick to its arm pit which sent the creature into frantic cries of pain. The Gelfs in the crowd all drew in a sharp intake of breath and held there own arm pits in shared pain.

Lister turned to Rimmers Mother. "Err what's up with him?" he asked.

"Gelfs sexual organs are in there armpit here." She Said grinning.

"Urrrhhh… that's disgusting." Said Lister pulling a face of disgust.

Down below the Gelf was recovering and shook it's head to clear the fog from the attack.

"Now me mad! Now you die!" it threatened.

"Actually, I think you should check your diary big fella, looks like you're going to be in need of an undertaker pretty soon." Said Ace planting a kick square across the gelfs nose.

It staggered backwards and Ace hit again, back again it went, again he hit, only this time a block.

Ace struck out again, only this Gelf was not some dumb lug, he too had some combat training and it showed.

The Gelf grabbed Rimmers foot and twisted it hard sending Ace into a flying spin to the dust.

The Gelf loomed over Ace, a grin spreading across his lips, he pulled his arm back about to pound this small threat into pancakes.

Above them Rimmers Mother watched. She nodded to some unseen figure then carried on watching as her son, who unless he did something pretty dam quick was about to meet a very flat end indeed.

Ace saw the next move coming and rolled sideways in the dirt. The huge fist of the Gelf smashed into the dirt missing him by inches. Ace rolled up and kicked out once more. The Gelf staggered back this time losing his footing and hitting the side of the cage. For a second Ace could of sworn there was a look of pain in the big guys face. Then it charged back towards him.

Ace met his attacked square on, the charging Gelf reached Rimmer in no time and lifted him square of his feet. Ace reacted by planted two blows to the large Gelfs ugly face, which seemed to have little effect as the Gelf raced across the ring.

Lister and the others watched on as Rimmer seemed in a hopeless situation.

"Hey, it looks like the big guy is going to win, who are we voting for again?" asked the Cat.

Kryten could barely tear his eyes away from the scene below to look at the Cat. "Mr Rimmer of course, and it is not looking good." Said Kryten.

Ace's combat mind raced, what he really needed now was a large pulse pistol and a shower. All this running around was ruining his hair. The problem being that neither were at hand.

The side of the cage was getting dangerously close if this great lug didn't slow up soon both of them would impact on the cold metal frame very soon.

Then it all changed, the big guy seemed to stumble and in one not so smooth motion they went from running to falling. Ace braced himself for the inevitable impact as the ground met with his back and the Gelf fell on top of him. He and the Gelf lay in the dirt.

Ace quickly realised that the Gelf was no longer breathing.

The weight of the Gelf seemed unbelievable and he could barely manage to lift its huge frame off and to the side.

"My word big fella you needed to go on a diet." He said as he squeezed out from under the rest of the Gelfs frame.

It was only then that he became aware of the crowd cheering. He staggered to his feet and looked around. The crowd was going wild, they had a victor, and the Election had a result.

**Next time: Ace takes on Rimmers mother... Can Ace beat the legend that is Mrs Rimmer.**


	7. Escape

**Apologies for the delay in getting this online, small holiday in the swiss alps in between chapters and no laptop with me. Anyway the adventure continues, we last left Ace having won the election battle.**

High above Ace a trap door in the cage roof opened and Rimmers mother descended down to the cage floor using a small cable attached to her waist. She landed beside him.

"Arnold, that was quite a show." She said, sounding impressed.

Deep inside the hologram matrix the original Rimmer imprint shed a small tear. Had his mother really just praised him?

Then he head Ace's smooth tones who still had control. "What, that, little thing, that's nothing, just standard combat training moves. Now what I could really do with is a hot shower, a bucket of Champaign and a half dozen pleasure Gelfs." Said Ace flicking over his hair.

Rimmers mother eyed him in a new light, but then she remembered where they were and turned to the crowd. She took Rimmers hand and held it aloft.

"People of Hive town we have a victor, we have a new leader." She said holding Rimmers hand high in the air while the crowd cheered.

Ace looked at Rimmers Mother. "Leader? Afraid that might be a wee bit of a problem." He said cocking an eye at her.

His mother glared at him. "WHAT!"

"You see me and the boys up there, we don't have plans to stay." Said Ace gesturing to Lister and the others.

She continued to glare at him in utter disgust. "It's not up to you, your just a graft on my sons mind, you will die soon and he is weak, he will bend to his mothers way." She said smiling.

Ace thought about it for a second and decided his plan was better. He twisted free of her grip and turned it around so that he now wrapped his arms around her body. Then he took hold of the cable line that she used to descend to the cage floor and pressed the retract button on her waist. The two of them began to climb up towards the roof.

Rimmers mother struggled under his grip. "What are you doing, let me go! I'm your mother, do as I say!" she shrieked.

"Sorry, can't do that." Said Ace smirking and noticing that the others up top had their mouths hanging open.

Soon Ace and his captive joined them on top of the cage roof.

"Davy boy, seems we need to make a swift exit." Said Ace releasing the chains from Lister and the others.

"Ace is that you?" said Lister.

"Kind of, I've taken over Arnold for a bit, to get us out of this little fix." Said Ace.

Rimmers mother was still in Aces grip but was now barking orders at Gelf guards below.

"Do you have a plan sir?" asked Kryten nervously.

"Course I do Kryters. I'll over power one of the guards, kidnap mother here and blast our way back to Starbug." Said Ace looking and sounding totally confident that this was a full proof plan.

Rimmers mother laughed. "You haven't got the balls Arnold."

"That's were you're wrong, got two great big love spuds down here so if your excuse me a second I've got work to do." Said Ace who then turned to face the now approaching guards.

She made a move unhappy at being man handled like some oversized piece of luggage and made to speak but Ace cut her off.

"Now if you would not mind shutting up for a second old girl. I need to do a spot of guard bashing." Said Ace, passing her over to Lister. "Don't let her go Davy boy, whatever she promises you, and that includes a case of double strength larger." Said Ace giving Lister a knowing nod.

"Old GIRL! Nobody talks to me like that." She said going red in the face.

Lister grinned. "Well he just did."

Ace turned to leave but suddenly bent double in pain.

"Sir, are you alright?" asked Kryren going straight into concerned mode.

"Nothing a little aspirin won't cure." Said Ace straightening himself then continuing on down the cages steps towards the approaching guards.

Mrs Rimmer had spotted the pain in Ace's eyes too and smiled. "Arnold's software is rejecting him." She said happily.

Ace Rimmer waited for the first of the five guards that were approaching his position. He was still high on the metal dome and the walkway/ladder was not very wide, he checked his footing and watched the guards closely. They seemed unsure as if they should fire or not, but did seem intent on reaching him.

The first and biggest of the five came within striking distance and Ace met the him with a kick that flicked him off the frame while simultaneously taking the pulse gun from the guards hand as he fell over the edge screaming too the dusty floor below. The others wavered for a second startled by the efficiency of their opponent. Ace used this time to maximum effect and let off a series of rounds at the remaining guards, felling each in turn.

He looked over his shoulder and beckoned for the others to follow. "Come on chaps, let's get this show on the road shall we?"

They nodded and began to gingerly make their way down the steps behind him. Lister who still had hold of Mrs Rimmer poked her in the back. "If you would not mind?" she complied if a little slowly so Lister prodded her again and grinned.

* * *

Somehow they had made it back to Starbug, Ace had used his weapon with deadly precision and had taken out the towns fuel dump with one single shot sending a fireball high into the sky.

Lister, Cat and Kryten stood looking at Rimmers mother, who was sat in the mid section of Starbug.

"Now give us the start-up code Mrs R and make it quick, this kitty is well over due his bath time." Said the Cat looking pained.

"Yeah, the games up, you loose give us the key?" said Lister joining in the cats circling of her, like some good cop bad cop routine..

She scowled at them. "Do you think you can win, I always win! My guards will be right now setting up a steel cutter to get in here and rescue me." She finished confidently.

Ace appeared from the flight deck, and leant against the door frame. "Don't listen to her Davy boy, she's lost and this time we win." Said Ace.

"How so Arnold, I have the code and you have nothing." Returned Rimmers mother laughing.

"Lister could you join me back here for a second?" asked Ace turning and going back onto the flight deck.

* * *

Lister walked into the flight deck to find Rimmer bent over holding his head. He looked up at Lister. "It's started; his program is purging me from the host hologram software."

"Smeg, that's not good, well it kinda is but oh smeg, what we going to do?" Was all Lister could manage.

Ace put on a brave face and smiled. "Well good for old Iron balls but bad for getting the code out of mother, if she knows I'm no longer in control she will not budge an inch, poor old Arn doesn't stand a chance against her." Said Ace through a pained expression.

"You going to be OK?" asked Lister knowing that Ace's time was almost up.

"Sure, you know me been through worse scrapes." Said Ace placing a hand on Listers shoulder for support.

"Look, I'll talk to her, maybe she will listen to reason." Said Lister hopefully.

"Reason, the women does not no the meaning of the word, no I'll do it Dave." Said Ace removing his hand from Listers shoulder and straightening.

"OK man, good luck." Said Lister watching Ace walk back into the mid section.

* * *

"Right, it's done." Said Ace out loud.

"What sir?" asked Kryten.

"The thing, you know the communication to the citizens of this town." Said Ace watching for a reaction from his mother. She was watching him intently, as he hoped she would.

"What have you said?" she asked scowling at him.

"Simply told them you're dead." He said casually.

"What!" she screamed.

"Yeah, dead, you know six feet under deader than spandex pants with zip flies." Said Ace rubbing salt further into her open wound.

"You can't, they, I mean they need me and well they will see though it as the lie it is!" She said scowling.

Well Kryten here told them, and the great thing about the series 4000 mech is that everyone knows they can't lie. Well all expect this one that is, all thanks to Davy boy here and his training." Said Ace slapping Kryten around the shoulder.

"Yes brutal!" said Lister punching the air.

Aronld Rimmers mother looked worried, her world, everything she had every built was falling down around her ears, and once more her retched son was to blame.

She pointed a finger directly at Ace with a look that could kill a goat cold dead. "YOU, I WISH YOU ARNOLD J. RIMMER had never been BORN!"

Ace winched, and she thought her words had struck home, but in reality it was the hologram matrix applying the purge. Ace look up at Lister standing in the door way from the flight deck, he smiled and gave him one final wink, then closed his eyes.

Lister knew that Ace was gone, Rimmer would be back online in seconds and then Mrs Rimmer would hold her power over him once more.

"Look give us the code and we will put things right." Said Lister.

Rimmers mother finally relented. "545654345 – 1" she said.

Lister nodded to Kryten who responded by going over to the console and tapping in the digits she had provided. A message flashed up on screen.

'Flight systems restored.'

"We have control sir, the computer has let us in." said Kryten excitedly.

Just then Rimmers head flicked up. "What, what's going on?" he said sounding slightly confused.

"It's Ok Rimmer, you Mother here has just given us the code." Said Lister.

"OH really, great. Well been lovely to see you again mother but we really must be leaving now." Said Rimmer in an enthusiastic tone and turning to Kryten. "Kryten, can you escort my mother out please."

Kryten looked at him his square features pulling into a confused look. "Sir, you plan to leave her here, you mother, the person that gave you life."

Rimmer nodded at Kryten. "Yes, now chop chop, if you please."

Kryten moved to untie Rimmers mother while Lister approached Rimmer.

"Look man I know you and your mum have issues, but do you really want to do this?" he asked.

"Lister, if my mother and I visited a planet populated by Sigmand Froid it would still not be enough shrink time to work out our issues." Said Rimmer walking toward the cot pit.

Before he stepped across the threshold of the door, he turned and looked back one final time at the old lady standing next to Kryten. She looked frail and beaten. Maybe he had won this time, but why didn't it feel good. All these years he had wanted to best his mother and now finally he had done it, so why did it taste so bitter sweet. He shrugged and turned to enter the cot pit. Only a voice stopped him, his mothers voice.

"Arnold." She called her tone slightly trembling.

He stood there, and then said quietly. "Yes mother?"

"Arnold, I, I… I'm sorry." She stammered.

Rimmer stood motionless, his mother never apologised.

"Would you stay if I asked you to stay?" she said looking up with big sorry eyes.

And there it was, she wanted something, she wanted him to stay. His emotions took a nose dive, what the hell was this, his mother wanting him, this was new. Then he rain checked, hang on this is just another way to get me to do what she wants. He lifted his chin and stuck his chest out.

"No mother, I am staying with my friends." There he had said it, he had stood up to her. It might have taken over three million years but he had done it.

His mothers face changed in an instant, the woeful look became a grin. "OK Arnold, play it your way, once you let me go we will shot this craft out the sky, and I at last will be rid of the sperm that turned into you."

Lister looked shocked, he was sure she had been genuine but it was all a front. He nodded to Kryten. "Show Mrs Rimmer out would you."

"See ya Rimmers mum, time to go." Said Lister giving her a little wave.

Rimmers mother strode away from the small green craft towards her command centre, Gelfs scattered out of her path. "GET THE ELECTRO WEAPON READY" she commanded.

* * *

Lister sat at his flight seat with the others at their normal places. "Right guys let's go." He said hitting the retro.

Rimmer stood up. "Wait!"

Lister stopped what he was doing and turned to look at Rimmer who looked worried. "What is it Rimmer?" he asked.

"I think she was serious about her threat. I think she might try and shoot us down." Said Rimmer.

"What, naw she wouldn't kill her own son Rimmer." Said Lister.

"I am sure Mr Lister is correct, history and nature is littered with examples of mothers protecting their young." Said Krytern beginning the long task of removing the planets dust from each and every crevice on his body.

"Yes, but my history is littered with close shaves which my mother has not shown great love in saving her least favourite son." Said Rimmer.

"She's right, if he was my son I'd kill him." Said the Cat grinning.

Lister threw an empty cup at the Cat. "Cat you're not helping."

"What the smeg do we do. We can't just sit here?" said Lister his hand hovering over the reheat controls.

Rimmer sat back down. "Look I've got a plan."

The Cat looked worried ."You have? Is this the sort of plan were I should go decide what suit I want to wear in my coffin or should I just wait and see how much of me is left once we get blown out of the sky?"

"Better, it's the kind of plan were we get to go home." Said Rimmer smiling.


	8. The plan

**Hi, another story folds to a close, thanks all for reading, I hope you enjoyed this little adventure. **

Rimmer and the others sat at there stations in Starbug, no one moved until finally Lister spoke.

"Err Rimmer, so what's this plan?" he asked.

"What." Said Rimmer distracted by some internal thought that had stolled across his mind. "OH yes, the plan right. Kryten what is their weapon status could we get airborne?" asked Rimmer hopefully.

Kryten scanned his console. "Well, according to these readings sir, they have a rather big electro gun, and judging by it's size I would say we might survive one hit but a second and it would be ice cream Sunday all over the place." He finished looking worried.

"OK, right Lister fire up the retros and on my mark Cat you get us the smeg out of here, got it?" said Rimmer almost sounding like he was in command.

Lister looked slightly concerned. "Rimmer, that's your plan, we simply do a runner and hope that we don't get gazapped out of the sky."

"Yep, that's about the size of it." Confirmed Rimmer.

"That's one crap plan buddy, even I could come up with a better plan than that." Said the Cat from his seat.

Rimmer stared at the others seriously. "Look, have you got any better suggestions?" he asked.

Lister looked hopefully over at Kryten seeking some assurance that he had a better plan but Kryten simply shook his head. He admitted to himself that he also had nothing.

"OK so we do a runner, but we need some sort of distraction." Said Lister.

Rimmer sat thinking and then an idea formed, frankly it was brilliant, why the smeg had he not thought of it before. He stood up. "Kryten mid section, Lister you get ready, your know when OK."

Lister eyed him suspiciously. "Sure Rimmer."

* * *

Rimmer clicked the button for the external door and the air hissed as the pressure seal gave way. He squinted while his eyes adjusted to the glare of the twin suns and gulped. '_This had better work.'_ He thought.

Outside the small mining craft a dozen gelfs stood back from the loan figure standing in the door way, at first unsure what to do and when Rimmer stepped forward they follwed suite only backwards. Rimmer smiled inwardly, they still thought he was Ace. Good he could use that. He stood up as straight and cocksure as he could and walked forward about 20 paces, far enough to get clear of the crafts engines.

"I want to talk to my mother!" he called.

The crowed of Gelfs looked confused.

Rimmer tried a different tack.

"I want to talk to the one who is your leader, the human women." He said more slowly.

A gelf broke off from the pack and disappeared back through the crowd.

'_Ok so far so good.'_Thought Rimmer.

* * *

Back up in the cot pit Lister was having kittens, he was watching the scene outside on the vid screen. "What the smeg is he doing Kryten, why did you let him leave?" said Lister getting up from his seat.

"Calm down sir, Mr Rimmer has a plan." Said Kryten

"What, go back outside and say pretty please?" said Lister sarcastically.

The cat grinned. "Hey that might just work?"

"Sirs if you would look closely at Mr Rimmer you I think you will get the jest of his plan." Said Kryten smugly.

Lister and the Cat both leant forward and examined the image of Rimmer on the screen, at first Lister didn't see anything, then Lister noticed what Rimmer had behind his back. He turned around and questioned Kryten.

"Is that the matter transfer paddle, he's holding?" he said.

"Indeed it is sir, Mr Rimmer when the time is right will transport himself back onto the pad in the cargo bay when we have gained enough height." Kryten said.

"Hey, that's pretty clever for goal post head, but one question guys, what's a matter thing bob?" Said the Cat grinning an insanely big grin.

"It's a teleporter." Informed Krtyen.

* * *

The crowd began to part and Rimmers mother walked back into view.

"Mother, I want to talk?" said Rimmer as calmly as he could muster with 20 or sow trigger happy Gelfs in front of him.

"My dear boy, what about, I thought you made your choice." Said his mother her smooth confident tones fully returned to her.

Rimmer paused for a second then forced himself to continue. "Mother, I want to stay, but there are some conditions." He said quickly hoping she would not detect his lie.

His mother could not hide her pleasure at winning him over, and smiled. "My dear Arnold you know you might make a decent son after all. What are these conditions?" she asked.

Rimmer stumbled, he had not really given that part of the plan much thought, but he did know the first one.

"One, you have to let my crew mates go unharmed." He said.

His mother waved it aside as thought it was nothing. "Done, I have no need for them." She said casually.

Rimmer turned his head to nod at what he hoped was the direction of the external camera on board Starbug.

"Two, you give me my own quarters and a lock on the door." He said looking back at her.

She smiled, another easy one. "Done anything else my dear boy, we do have rather a lot of things to discuss you know."

Rimmer thought hard then said. "I want…" he paused summoning up the courage to ask. "I want you to tell me you love me mother?"

The crowd of Gelfs smirked and sniggered but he ignored them. "That mother is my final demand, then I will stay."

He watched her face carefully; the smile had faded at these last words. Was it such a hard request, just to say those magic three words to him once?

She stood silently the dust swirling around her feet while she battled with her internal hate for her son until at last she opened her mouth.

"Arnold." She started.

He nodded.

"Arnold, I….. I love you son." She said the words grating from her mouth.

However it was more than enough for Rimmer who stood on that dusty landing pad with a single tear rolling down his face. There she did love him; she had said it, the one thing he had craved for all his life, the love of his mother.

* * *

Lister looked on at the scene below, the audio link picking up the coms from below. He watched as Rimmer stood silently after his mothers statement.

"What do we do know?" he asked.

Kryten shrugged. "I guess we go, Mr Rimmer will activate the pad once we are at a safe distance."

Lister slapped the re-heat and watched as clouds of dust enveloped the crowd below.

* * *

Rimmer stood his ground while the dust whirled around him he didn't look up his gaze was fixed on his mothers location. Inside him a battle raged between his logic and his hopes. He hoped for all this planet could offer that his mother was serious, maybe it could work, he could stay, but then the doubt, the years of put downs from her, the scars from her tongue went deep.

Starbug began to climb slowly up into the sky and soon the dust began to settle and once more Rimmer could see his mother who was now laughing.

'_Why was she laughing.' _Screamed Rimmers brain, which was in denial about the truth that she had lied once again.

"My dear dear boy, did you really think those words meant anything to me, now that your ship has gone and there is no hope of escape I can use you as I wish." Said his mother cackling to herself all the while.

Rimmer wiped the tears from his eyes and a slow grin spread across his face.

* * *

Onboard Lister looked at the height read-out and was getting worried. "Smeg, he's got to activate it soon, we don't know it will work this far out." He said anxiously.

"Don't worry sir, I am sure Mr Rimmer will be along any time now." Said Kryten doing his very best to disguise his own concern about this part of the plan.

"What you mean the higher we go the less likely goal post head won't be joining us." Said the Cat grinning.

"That's about the size of it sir." Confirmed Kryten.

"Well why didn't you tell me earlier." Said the Cat pressing the accelerator lever to maximum.

* * *

Rimmer pulled the paddle from behind his back and watched his mothers smile turn to a look of puzzlement.

"What's that, some kind of weapon?" she said.

"No it's my goodbye." Said Rimmer simply.

A nearby Gelf leant over and whispered something in her ear causing the her face to turn to anger.

"You CAN'T, YOU CAN'T LEAVE!" she cried making a move towards him.

"Goodbye mother." Said Rimmer pressing the paddles button.

He faded from the surface and an instant later was standing on the pad in the cargo bay.

* * *

Kryten beamed. "We have him, Mr Rimmer is safely aboard."

"Really, dam these slow retro engines." Sighed the Cat.

"Kryten you take over man, I'm going to find him." Said Lister getting up from his station.

* * *

Lister met Rimmer crossing the hatch way from the cargo deck.

"Alright man, you OK?" asked Lister.

Rimmer nodded then stopped. "Actually for a second down there I thought about staying, even through I knew deep down she was using me still."

Lister shuffled awkwardly. "Must have been rough, do you think you made the right choice?" he asked.

Rimmer looked him in the eye, a look of true certainty held Listers gaze. "Yes! Now if you don't mind I've got somethings to be doing." Said Rimmer stepping past Lister and heading to his quarters.

**The End**


End file.
